Caution: Men at work (demolishing violence)

Saturday, 07. 25. 2009  –  by Janice

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On Tuesday I posted Jimmy Carter’s brave op-ed distancing himself from the Southern Baptist Convention because of their views on women. The post prompted more dynamic dialog on the site. I was particularly struck by the words of Erin:

Although it seems that disassociating with an organization that discriminates against women is the right thing to do intellectually, especially for a man who champions human rights for all, the ability to do so emotionally can be very challenging—impossible for some.

In many cultures boys are brought up to be “tough.” The use of violence and the degradation of women are seen as mere rites of passage, or less. For many cultures and communities teaching boys to disrespect women is simply a part of their upbringing. Few men, even fathers, are willing to go against the grain and teach boys that violence, sexual conquests, and disrespecting women and elders does little to make you a “real man.”

Erin continues:

Soraya’s Aunt Zara. Zara, similar to Carter, was an elder in her village–someone who was respected (by most) for her independent thought and wisdom. Zara didn’t let the shameful stoning of Soraya go unheard or unrecognized.

Zahra was unsuccessful in saving Soraya because there were other elders in the village, male elders, who had more influence because they were male.

How can we prevent boys from growing up to be such harmful influences on their communities? There are few programs that recognize the power male elders have in preventing violence, but they make a big impact. Morally courageous men are beginning to take on the responsibility of educating boys about the true meaning of manhood, and using creative ways to spread their message and influence.

One such man is Pedro Elias of Planned Parenthood Mar Monte who I had the privilege of meeting at Planned Parenthood’s annual conference this past March. Pedro runs a Male Involvement Program for male youths that educates them about healthy relationships and expressing feelings in a non-harmful way. The ultimate goals of the program are to prevent teen pregnancy/unintended fatherhood, promote responsibility, and encourage long-term community involvement.

Pedro’s program is teaching young men about non-traditional rites of passage and encouraging them to become influential elders with an investment in their own community. The most effective curriculum is the El Joven Noble (The Noble Young Man) program designed by anti-violence activist Jerry Tello. The program relies heavily on the participation of "Elders" from the community.

The youth involved in the program are encouraged to develop the same type of investment in their communities that Pedro and the other Elders have. Pedro says the boys are encouraged to maintain a long-term relationship with the program and that many of the Elders are former program participants (or men Pedro has met through his work as an activist). Boys that remain engaged with their communities into adulthood receive recognition and support from Pedro and Planned Parenthood.

Teaching men about healthy relationships not only prevents violence and pregnancy, but also instills in youth the sense that there are blessings to being an active member of their community and an active father when the time is right.

Why aren’t there more programs like this? Pedro explains that breaking the ice and talking to youth about violence can be hard because boys don’t see violence as a problem.  Violence is so mainstream in our society the boys often see violence and rage as acceptable ways to express themselves.

Pedro uses his personal experience with domestic violence to help the boys understand the point of view of the victim. This is an effective way to keep through to the boys as they are hearing the words of a victim, but also someone they trust and respect.

When I met Pedro I was struck by his warm personality, his enthusiasm for his work, and I was thrilled to hear about his innovative program. However, the question remained in the back of my head: “is Pedro the exception to the rule? Is there a way to encourage more men to care about this issue?”

I asked Pedro how he became interested in working with young men. “Every young man represents a unique story; however, all are young men. They are a mirror image of each other and I am a mirror image of them. I was a young man with a story as well. I had the opportunity to grow up with positive role models in my life and yet still was not the perfect young man. Not being perfect is now the medicine that reassures me and drives me to make a difference in the lives of young men.  Learning from mistakes is realizing how it originated and not repeating it again.”

Pedro is an example to all those who wish to stop the ever-increasing violence in our society and the influence elders such as those in Soraya have on society. Pedro is an especially relevant example for men who want to be active parts of the solution instead of the problem.




3 responses to “Caution: Men at work (demolishing violence)”

  1. Sonal says:
    July 25th, 2009 at 11:06 am

    It is very encouraging to hear this important initiative undertaken by Pedro. This combined with President Carter's recent stance taken on women's rights had really served to remind me of the fact that there are morally courageous people (men, in this case) out there who are standing up and fighting for justice. I realize the main focus of these posts are women's rights, but I was especially struck by this more encompassing quote:

    "Not being perfect is now the medicine that reassures me and drives me to make a difference in the lives of young men. Learning from mistakes is realizing how it originated and not repeating it again.”

    No one is perfect. There is likely to be times in our lives when we, ourselves, will be a part of perpetuating some form of injustice. Here's where it becomes important to encourage ourselves and others to not only seek out and fight injustices in our communities but to also introspect and really try to fight injustices we ourselves commit (however trivial they may be). Sometimes, I think, rather than (or in addition to) pointing out unjust behavior; we should encourage people to recognize it for themselves. Maybe through a campaign encouraging people to constantly keep a check on themselves and when they are behaving in a manner that disrespects or demeans another human being. For that, however, it is necessary to first instill the value that every human being is equal.

    Sorry if I have gone off on a tangent; just some food for thought! :)

    Janice Reply:
    July 27th, 2009 at 8:10 am

    @Sonal, I think you make some really good points about individual accountability. So often people want to look to those around them to assign blame or focus on the actions of others while ignoring our own actions and how they impact the universe. As a Buddhist this concept is very important to me. One place to start is with our words. Gossip can come out so easily and it is very simple to forget the harm our words may do, even if the person you are gossiping about never knows what was said.
    Pedro's program encourages young men to view and treat women in a respectful way. This includes the language that men use to talk about women. I don't think that many people realize the harm that degrading language about women has on a society as a whole. It is great that these young men have someone to look up to that gives them a good example on how to behave. This story inspires me to be a good example to others as well.

  2. Anthony NYC says:
    July 28th, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    I just really wanted to say that as a straight male who has realized the priveledges of being such a person in this society, this post really hits home to me. The harsh truth is that society not only allows boys to treat girls poorly, its almost a right of passage you must engage in if you want to fit in in straight male culture. It is part of the "tough guy" image that guys are told we must present in order to succeed in life and "get chicks" (which is perversely considered a major measure of success in and of itself). It really is portrayed as that big of a deal.

    Like Janice said, it can be something as seemingly benign as referring to girls as "chicks" or any of the other dozens of more derogatory terms I hear from even well intentioned, sensitive straight men! It has become such a part of the culture that its usually the first thing men use to relate to each other; to bond by degrading women. This combined with the evolutionary desire for sex creates a very powerful urge to misbehave but at the same time to feel that the behavior is natural and just.

    Its going to take alot of moral courage from men like Pedro, and the youth he teaches, to change this paradigm but I really think we have it in us as straight men because after all, we have mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, grandmothers and friends who ALL deserve respect and we know it. We just need to stop discriminating against women we arent related to or that we are not acquainted with. We need to see all women as our sisters like we see men as brothers. Maybe the Brooklyn Hip-Hop artist Talib-Kwali boiled it down best: "I respect my women cuz I love my mama."

    Me too Talib, me too.

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